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SMS Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by slick, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. beamer

    beamer Moderator

    Messages:
    321
    The FA have just announced that a decision has been made following yesterday's fall out between Evra and Suaraz and have decided that Mario Ballotelli will receive a 5 match ban! :D
  2. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

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    6,138
    Good. Bout time they clamped down on that knobhead:thumb
  3. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    sounds about right.
  4. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    Felt a bit down today, so I dipped my Pakistani workmate in some bleach.
    That brightened Mamood.
    Punter likes this.
  5. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    My mate went to see a psychic last week, she told him he would be coming into a large amount of money. Last night he shagged a fat bird called penny How spooky is that.
  6. Seen

    Seen Moderator

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    1,763
    Davy Jones from the Monkees has died.

    Now I'm a bereaver.
  7. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    Asked the wife for a wank last night and she started rubbing my dick with her keyring. I thought fuck this, she's just fobbing me off.
  8. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

    Messages:
    6,138
    :lol

    Last two are good ens.

    Makes a fucking change like
  9. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    Muamba woke up yesterday to be told that Torres had scored twice..

    He said fuck me how long was i out for!
    Punter likes this.
  10. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    Said to my missus " Hey! fat cnut what do you want for your birthday?" She said "Don't get fucking lippy." I said "right, mascara it is, then!"
  11. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    5,899
    Rang the council today for permission to have a skip outside my house.
    He said you can cartwheel around the fucking block for all I care!
  12. Punter

    Punter Moderator

    Messages:
    4,143
  13. Punter

    Punter Moderator

    Messages:
    4,143
    They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
    My money's on Dave.


    I went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on a table. I walked passed and said "******* amazing legs" The girl giggled and said with a smile " Do you really think so" I said "definately, most tables would have collapsed by now!"


    Have you met Danny Welbeck's dad? He's a bomb disposal man. His name is Stan. Stan Welbeck.
  14. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    :lol, similar to the one I heard Punt , I heard his Brother Stan own's a firework shop.
  15. Punter

    Punter Moderator

    Messages:
    4,143
    What do you call a police woman that shaves her pubes? Cuntstubble.
  16. kompressaur

    kompressaur spam removed by komp

    Messages:
    1,010
    My mate reckons he always cries after sex. I thought you big soft twat! Then I remembered....... .he's in prison!
  17. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as; "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just fucked a 14 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, and my lap top's been confiscated
  18. slick

    slick Administrator

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    5,899
    Thought i heard the ghost of robin gibb in my herb garden. But when i went to check, it was just the chive talking......
  19. swooperman

    swooperman Resident nob

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    3,042
    Since his release from Villa, Emile Heskey went on a shooting spree with a sub machine gun around Birmingham.....no-one was hurt
  20. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

    Messages:
    6,138
    Did you make that one up yourself Swoops? Did you?:lookaround
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